by Lindsey Grant
“Unfortunately, there are no independent scientific studies that test the benefits of sheet masks, but every expert we interviewed agree [sic]…” The Cut, March 2018
Are you looking puffy, pouchy, tired, or are you just aging rapidly and unattractively? Whether you’re a hard-partying 20-something, a new (or not so new) parent, a perimenopausal mess, or you’re legitimately old, try the Wrinkle-reducing Sheet Mask. While we cannot guarantee that this product will turn your wrinkle-riddled forehead into a smooth, ageless canvas of expressionlessness—or have any effect at all—never underestimate the power of suggestion. To that end, we suggest saying words like ‘ageless’, ‘yasss, queen’, and ‘mother of dragons’ during application. It might not help, but it sure can’t hurt.
Or are you feeling low, suffering from SAD, or certifiably depressed? Experts say laughter is the best medicine, so even if the 0.1% witch hazel water, the only active ingredient in this Brightening Sheet Mask (and all our sheet masks, for that matter), can’t erase your frown lines, you’ll get the benefit of laughing at your spooky, slimy countenance in the mirror. You’ll laugh even harder if you wake your partner from a deep sleep by getting all up in his or her grill while sporting this unsettling face wear. Feeling better yet? We thought so.
Are you un- or underemployed? That’s a bummer, and we definitely cannot fix that. We can encourage you to spend what little money you might have on a VitaFlush Hydrating Face Mask. Distract yourself from your financial woes and your flaky face with our patented formula of mostly-water. Wearing the VitaFlush is akin to putting ordinary tap water on your face with the help of a debatably claustrophobic and definitely more expensive goo rag. Good luck finding a job.
Having a hard time making a baby? It sounds like you’re also depressed and unemployed, so maybe take a beat. Everything happens for a reason. If you’re really determined to add another human to this already over-full planet, though, we get it, and we have a mask for that. It’s the Rejuvenating Face Mask, approved for facial application* only. A wise man once said, “Your knee bone’s connected to your thigh bone/Your thigh bone’s connected to your hip bone,” and so on and so forth, so who’s to say your rapidly shrivelling reproductive parts won’t get the memo from a freshly revitalized face?
*Should you apply this mask elsewhere, intentionally or accidentally, we’d like to hear about the after-effects at firstname.lastname@example.org
By the way, have you read that New York Times article about failing upward and wondered what the hell that actually means and why the world is so full of shit? Same here. In solidarity, if you buy 42 sheet masks at once, we will include a complimentary Soothing Mask because, first and foremost, that’s quite an investment, especially for you. Enrobe your buyer’s remorse with this likely ineffective treatment and take heart. Even if the polar bears don’t make it and what savings you still have will probably be stolen from you under the guise of a government mandate to end the individual and collective threat posed by life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, at least you had these few and futile moments of cloying, sticky self-care to sustain you through what’s coming down the pipe.